Attachment Disorder: When Consequences Never Deliver
While lying tops the charts of
the most difficult
aspects of parenting a child who has experienced trauma, because let’s
face it, no one likes to be lied to again and again, there is another
extremely difficult aspect of parenting trauma that deserves some
attention.
Can you imagine parenting a child who fails to respond with consistency and regularity to any and all system of consequences?
Natural consequences, positive rewards, negative consequences. Charts,
colors, stars, prizes, etc. etc. None, and I’ll say it again, none, of
these traditional parenting methods make any lasting difference in
altering undesirable behavior in a child who has experienced trauma,
loss or anything else that would place them on the attachment disorder
spectrum.
Because for this child, it’s all about control: keeping control,
losing control, maintaining control, refusing to hand over control. And
because it’s all about control, traditional consequence systems will
only work if the child still perceives that he or she is in control.
Sound like fun?
This is a daily, often minute to minute reality in homes that have
welcomed trauma. It’s no walk in the park, I assure you. In fact, it’s
more like a T11 tornado blowing through said park. More accurately, it’s
like a T11 tornado blowing through said park and you are almost praying
it picks you up and carries you off to the Land of Oz.
Can you imagine? Are you drinking a glass of wine for me right now? I hope so!
Think about this. A healthy child may climb to the top of a piece of
playground equipment and fall off. Upon impact, the child gets hurts and
also probably has a memory burned into her or his brain linking the
behavior to the consequence. The memory link will serve to remind her or
him that climbing to the top is dangerous and could result in bodily
harm.
This child probably would at least think twice before doing it again.
Now, I am mother of three boys and I know what some of you are thinking.
My kids would be right back to climbing up that piece of equipment in no time at all. Perhaps.
But somewhere…somewhere in their brain lives the memory of getting
hurt. This memory thereby helps that child to alter their strategy going
forward.
Why? Because they don’t want to get hurt again.
For a child with attachment disorder, there isn’t much, if any,
thought given to previous consequences before engaging in risky
behavior. Again and again and again…
Now, think about systems such as behavioral modification systems that
reward a desirable behavior. In my child’s classroom, a color system is
used to encourage good behavior and prevent poor behavior. Even my two
rambunctious, into everything, boys respond favorably to this system.
They know that green is good and desirable and red is bad and to be
avoided. At the end of each day, they are so happy to report when they
are green or above.
Why? Because they know it is the right thing to do.
Again, this system fails miserably at correcting undesirable behavior
in a child with attachment disorder. Our youngest has been on yellow
and red more times than I care to count. While she can verbally tell you
that yellow or red is not desirable, there is no lasting link to her
heart or brain that helps her correct her behavior as things are
unfolding.
Why? Because it’s all about control for her.
My attachment challenged child will usually never risk giving up
control. Not for green, blue or purple. She may appear to cooperate from
time to time, but if you dig deeper there will be a reason beyond it
simply being the right thing to do. Sadly, the reason that most often
motivates her is food.
Why is this sad? Because it is linked to another early childhood trauma: malnutrition.
You see, trauma has shaped her in such as way that forfeiting any
control is simply another loss in her life. Because she has lost so much
already and because her early childhood trauma was such that she had
absolutely no control over her life-threatening circumstances, she digs
in deep and holds tight to anything and everything that she chooses.
Remembering that truth, that the did not choose this and does not
choose this, is the only thing that keeps me keeping on most days.
And I’m not even going to talk about negative consequences.
Attachment challenged children would spend their entire childhood in
timeout or without dessert if there were a snowball’s chance in hell
that this type of system would ever produce fruit.
I can count on a fingerless hand how many times negative consequences have worked.
Just today, my daughter was sent home with a think sheet:
Think
sheets are filled out and sent home after a child has received several
warning to correct undesirable behavior. These are NOT good. None of our
other children have ever received one of these, so when our youngest
first brought one home, I was at a loss.
Parents of children who have experienced trauma are often at a loss.
I met my child’s teacher after school to discuss what happened.
Thankfully, my daughter appeared somewhat remorseful about the events
that led to her think sheet. She is not malicious. She very often has no
idea why she does what she does. Her teachers agreed and affirmed that
nothing seems to produce lasting behavior changes. We are all at a loss.
Loss produces more loss. Ironic.
The think sheet began the unraveling that resulted in a
near-miss, full-blown rage this afternoon. Our daughter, upset by her
think sheet and me talking to her teacher, proceeded to go into her
bedroom and engage in other destructive behavior: lying, stealing food,
hiding things.
This resulted, of course, in additional stress and disagreement among
the adults in my house about how this situation should be handled.
Because it’s all a vicious cycle. One thing triggers another, triggers
another…and frankly, it SUCKS!
Things weren’t meant to be this way; my child should not have been
malnourished and orphaned. She was only 2 years old. She didn’t ask for
anything that life handed her. There is enough food in our world to meet
this basic need.
Loss produces more loss and so on and so forth until we all
decide to do things differently and stop the loss from happening in the
first place. That is truly the only way.
I hold tight daily to the hope found in Christ and the solidarity
found in Christ. I know God called us to enter the mess, and it’s in the
mess where we received new vision. And as shitty as some days can be, I
also know my life’s purpose and redemption is found, daily, in this
heap of seemingly crappy circumstances that must be navigated ever so
carefully. I wouldn’t trade my pile of crap, because as stinky as it is,
I have come to know it, love it and adore it.
Just before bed tonight, as I always do after
episodes, I popped my head into our daughter’s room and asked, “
M, is there anything you could ever do that would make me stop loving you?” She said, “No mama.” I asked, “
Will Mama ever leave you?” “No, mommy,” she replied. “
Love you, Missy,” I said. “Love you, Mama!” she replied, “Tomorrow will be better.”
And it may. Or, it may not. That’s what we signed up for.
And while I would love to be able to offer some practical advice on
how to handle a child who exhibits the aforementioned behaviors, I am
simply in this boat with you, paddling along. I’ve got little to nothing
to offer except solidarity, and prayers, and hope that in our joining
together as a village of parents who are living through this and trying
our best, we will figure out a better way forward, together.
Please, Jesus!
